Your River: the cleansing.

Tip me in your smooth waters
I go in
As a man with many crimes
Come up for air
As my sins flow down the Jordan

- "River", by Leon Bridges

We have all done things. We have all done things we are not proud of, things that deeply cut others, that cheated others, that robbed them of some of the peace and trust and faith in us and in the goodness of life. A quote that haunts is Nassim Taleb's,  "Love without sacrifice is theft".  These words remind us that we must sacrifice a crucial piece of ourselves in the process of truly loving another. There is deep truth in these sparse few words, but it should be made clear that these words transcend lovers. Perhaps it was a friend we deceived, a sibling we let down, someone who had placed deep trust in us, trust that was deeply rooted in the fabric of who they are and the life they were crafting. From the other perspective, the side of the one deceived, there are trusts we place in some people that somehow define an essential piece of us, deceptions that render the death of a piece of us that we can never get back.  And yet, after the storm, we try to find a way to move on with our life. Sometimes we feel the gaping hole left within us cannot be replaced or fixed. But with time, like a gash in a leg, the wound eventually closes, yet often with keloid, leaving a scarred memory of that piece of us that has died.  Sometimes they are pieces of us which we can never have back, of time lost, of faith lost, of trust and hope lost.  This is life, and these are the lessons we risk intimately dancing with when we lay our heart, soul and spirit in the hands of others. The key to recovery is to keep breathing, to keep walking, yet never stop risking to love. The key is to keep the faith that the pain will end and better days will come, when we can breath deeply again, feel our lungs expand fully once again, and to hope to soon weep uncontrollably for the last time and mark the final closing of the wound.

The answer I think somehow lies in faith.  Faith that the pains will soften a little more each day, that the scar in time will transcend the event and take on some deeper more comforting meaning, a transcending message and lesson. Scars have stories, and we all have them. We have all been robbed of something at some point in our life.  But, it is how we choose to hold our heart and spirit up each day with gentleness, kindness and forgiveness that defines the softness of the scar and the trust to again place a knife in the hands of another, perhaps even again in the hands of the thief, trusting, hoping, they will always honor our soul and spirit with the softness of the sheath, and not the honed edge of its blade.

Sometimes with great hopes and dreams come great loves and memories, and sometimes great wounds and scars. To live a full life we have to take chances, we have to trust, we must have faith, and when things move against us, we somehow have to find a way to forgive. And yet, as hard as it may be, we must enter with love. Sure, we must not enter as fools with inhibitions, but we must not fear leading with love.  We must understand the truth that there will be wounds cut upon the soft flesh of our being, cuts that leave scars, yet with the hopes that those scars will raise us up. We must remain footed in hope, and lead with trust and love.

And when we are weak, may we be reminded of the faith and hope of the goodness in life and of greater humanity, of tender things like Leon Bridges powerful song "River".  If you can put yourself in a vulnerable place, one of ownership of your shortcomings to another, all of the song’s haunting beauty just might crack something wide open in you, yet it will also remind you that with time, most wounds can be cleansed, though sometimes, never completely healed. Perhaps, to expedite the healing, ours and another’s, may we start with an open offered hand, an embrace, a word of apology rooted in love, to being the healing.

 . . . . take me to the river . . . . tip me in its smooth waters and let my crimes, my thefts, wash from me, and let me hope to come up for air, if there is still time.  And, may the freshest of waters from upstream encompass me and heal the wounds left open upon my flesh and soul. And if we are lucky, may these waters flow over those we wronged, if they are open to the invitation,

Come, meet me at the river my brothers and sisters, we all have work to do, and wounds to heal. After all, the problem is, we think we still have time.

-Shawn ‘

It's (not) only rock and roll.

" If I could stick my pen in my heart
And spill it all over the stage
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya
Would you think the boy is strange? Ain't he strange?
If I could win ya, if I could sing ya
A love song so divine
Would it be enough for your cheating heart
If I broke down and cried? If I cried?
I said I know it's only rock 'n roll but I like it
I know it's only rock 'n roll but I like it, like it, yes, I do"

 -The Rolling Stones

I have recently been working on a piece called "Die Wise", but I have been stuck, so I did what I always do, I put it aside and let it ferment in the darker spots of my brain. It may be the most important piece I have written for myself (though in my typical fashion of always willing to share) so I did not want to rush it.

So, I did what I always do, I try to distract the process and step into another sphere of influence and inspiration.  Though I have never played a musical instrument, but it is next on my list, music has always been an important piece in my life. But until yesterday, I did not truly appreciate the true, deep, all-encompassing art in rock and roll music. I was schooled, and loved every minute of it. 

The Rolling Stones were a genius bunch, I knew it to a degree, but not to the degree that the exhibit "Exhibitionism" displayed their genius. I walked away head spinning and understanding a little more what true genius is, from another perspective. These fellows were writers, poets, musicians, actors, performers and they brought it all together, note by note, word by word. And

then, somehow they would sit in a room and bring each others personal genius together and some how harmonize it into things we hear, things that mark moments in our lives, enrich our souls, touch our lives. Music is strange, unlike a movie or a play, we can listen to a good song a hundred times and never get tired of it, instead, it only gets better, it gets richer. 

I am keeping this one brief, because my head is still swimming with ideas, inspiration and thoughts. It is amazing where we find the muse sometimes, inspiration, sometimes one only has to open up a different door, a proverbial side door to something we thought we were already familiar with, to find the next level down the rabbit hole of creativity and wonderment. These are the good things of life, I search them out because they make my life better, deeper, richer, more interesting and exciting. They help me see a world that I would not otherwise see; there is so little time.

Starting painting some 8 years ago was a step into this wonderland for me, then a few years learning latin and American style ballroom dance 9 years ago took things a level deeper, now 4 plus years into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu that physical form moving art has further opened my mind and world to things I never could have imagined.  I have now decided that music must be added next. Who cares that I am now 50 years of age, it is never too late to learn and stay young in the mind.  I cannot fathom what lies inside this world of music, I am excited, it has been too long in the waiting. 

Finding myself lying on my death bed some years or decades down the road ruminating and wishing I had done something is not really a logical option for me. Regret is worse than death itself in my mind. So, the next stage has been determined. Music has been a big part of my existence and it is time to try and find out the deeper reasons as to why;  I wrote about this topic here, a piece about Gord Downie titled "Dear Gord: Silence's Ransom".  

Oh of the things to come in life. When I hear someone say they are suffering of boredom, I want to slap the stupid out of them. The problem they do not see clearly is that, they think they have time.

"If I could dig down deep in my heart
Feelings would flood on the page
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya
Would ya think the boy's insane? He's insane
I said I know it's only rock 'n roll but I like it
I said I know it's only rock'n roll but I like it, like it, yes, I do"  - Mic and Keith

-Shawn

Blood Brothers

"Now the hardness of this world slowly grinds your dreams away,
Making a fool's joke out of the promises we make,
And what once seemed black and white turns to so many shades of gray,
We lose ourselves in work to do, work to do and bills to pay,
And it's a ride, ride, ride, and there ain't much cover,
With no one running by your side, my blood brother." - Springsteen
 

It is the summer of 2017, and that means my brothers and I see another birth year turn over. It is also Father's day shortly, and my brothers are the purest example of great men, great fathers, in my eyes at least. So, I send out this short ode of sorts over the ether, to ping their hearts and send my blood over the miles. I miss you my blood brothers. 

We charged the hills, defended our rights and fought good fights. We fought for our name, and fought for pride and reason. I fought for you and your honor, even when you were not there and could not know, and I am sure you did the same for me, I know you did.  When it came down to blood and knuckles, we banded together despite any differences, always. When you could not get up, I carried you, and I know you carried me when I could not find the strength to stand on my own. We have been through so much.  I miss those days. I regret that the decades and our dreams have separated us, our hearts, our blood. Be careful of the dreams you chase they say, they may take you places you only think you wish to go, sometimes far away from the stuff that really matters. I long for those years when life was simpler, where the choices were simpler. I miss fighting over the last scoop of ice cream, the last bag of potato chips, control of what we would watch on our one black and white TV.  I miss the simplicity of seeing you in the school hallway, just the respectful grin and head nod. I miss lunches with you guys. I miss watching over you at recess in grade school, I miss knowing you were doing just the same.  I miss our college days together. I miss the shared drinks and laughs and stories with our friends around, making our family of friends bigger and deeper. I miss those days with great empty pain in my heart. I regret the silly fights between us, our misunderstandings and our differences. But, I do not fear these things and the pain borne of them at the time, for I know our blood runs deep and that brothers are never truly separated. I know this because I know that we fight the harshest with those we love because the bond can never be broken, there is no risk too great that we will fracture these bonds, they will endure even into the time of our final ashes.  

"Now there's so much that time, time and memory fade away
We got our own roads to ride and chances we got to take
We stood side by side each one fighting for the other
And we said until we died we'd always be blood brothers"

In our youth, selfishness often prevails. Ignorance of what we want prevails. What we often would not do in our youth for someone we love, we would do it in our adult life often without question. I would step in front of a bus for these two heros.  Somehow this kind of profound brotherly love makes one's own life feel less significant than our loved ones.  My one wish, is that I was wise enough in those younger years to quash the ego and take more for the team, and be kinder to you both. I would do it all differently knowing now what brotherhood stands for and requires to best endure the ages.

Who are your brothers in arms ? You'll find yourself extremely lucky if you can find one person you would take a bullet for, I am blessed. I have two.  For my two blood brothers, I remind you of the lyrics below. You will both remember the framed photos with words or lyrics we would share with each other over the years, reminding each of us what is important in life. Brotherhood. Cowboys. Fights. Fishing trips. Camping.  Songs like Springsteen's "Blood Brothers" got it right, this song is us, 3 blood brothers just like in the photo and frame.  That frame, that gift, sits in a place in my home that I see it every day, and I do not turn away, tears and all at times.  I love you guys, God damn, I miss those days of laughter together, of fists and blood, of tears and anger, of adventures and fishing, of laughter and life . . . .  of brotherhood, of charging up the hill, all for one and one for all.  

There are few things in life that one can unconditionally count on, no matter what the situation. There is nothing as thick, as permanent, as definitively loyal and heart tugging, as blood brother-ship, nothing. If you have a brother or sister, or anyone you love for that matter, and this song does not rip apart your heart, fix the problem. Pick up the phone, say what you must, bury your ego and the issues, make peace.  Do it.  After all, the problem is, we think we have time.

"Now I don't know how I feel, I don't know how I feel tonight
If I've fallen 'neath the wheel, if I've lost or I gained sight
I don't even know why, I don't know why I made this call
Or if any of this matters anymore after all
But the stars are burning bright like some mystery uncovered
I'll keep moving through the dark with you in my heart, my blood brother"

Happy birthdays and happy Father's Day to two of the best brothers anyone could ever ask for.  I love ya, and I miss ya. You are both never far from my thoughts and heart, believe that, in your blood.

-Shawn

We played king of the mountain out on the end
The world come charging up the hill, and we were women and men
Now there's so much that time, time and memory fade away
We got our own roads to ride and chances we got to take
We stood side by side each one fighting for the other
And we said until we died we'd always be blood brothers

Now the hardness of this world slowly grinds your dreams away
Making a fool's joke out of the promises we make
And what once seemed black and white turns to so many shades of gray
We lose ourselves in work to do, work to do and bills to pay
And it's a ride, ride, ride, and there ain't much cover
With no one running by your side, my blood brother

On through the houses of the dead past those fallen in their tracks
Always moving ahead and never looking back
Now I don't know how I feel, I don't know how I feel tonight
If I've fallen 'neath the wheel, if I've lost or I gained sight
I don't even know why, I don't know why I made this call
Or if any of this matters anymore after all

But the stars are burning bright like some mystery uncovered
I'll keep moving through the dark with you in my heart, my blood brother

* from springsteenlyrics.com:

Bruce Springsteen wrote BLOOD BROTHERS in early 1995 in celebration of the brief reunion of the E Street Band – he had disbanded the band in 1989.  

" In September 1995 with Neil Strauss for Guitar World, Springsteen told Neil Strauss: "'Blood Brothers' was sort of trying to understand the meaning of friendship as you grow older. I guess I wrote it the night before I went in the studio with the band, and I was trying to sort out what I was doing and what those relationships meant to me now and what they mean to you as you move through your life. Basically, I guess I always felt that the friendships, the loyalties and the relationships, those are the bonds that keep you from slipping into the abyss of self-destructiveness. And without those things, that abyss feels a lot closer, on your heels. I think your own nihilism feels a lot closer without someone to grab you by the arm and pull you out of it and say, 'Hey, come on, you're having a bad day.' So with the song I was trying to sort out the place that those deep friendships played in my life, friendships that I had when I was young. We all grew up together, and people got married and divorced and had babies and went through their addictions and out the other side, and we drove each other crazy."

Good. Maybe.

Trying to live a life more deeply examined, there are so many lessons. This is hard, there are so many distractions. Clearly, it would be easier to be comfortably numb. 

It is not the windfalls and repercussions which arise in our lives that define us, it is how we interpret the outcomes and more so, how we choose to deal with them.  Whether good or bad, It is our perspective, our reaction and our ownership of the situation and outcome that dictates what happens next and that which determines our path of growth.

Our life just doesn't happen to us, it is not a pre-destined thing that we wait and watch unfold, rather, it is designed by us. It is designed little by little over the years by the choices we make, the morals and character we keep, the sacrifices and concessions we make, the promises we fulfill, and the lies and deception we breed into our existence. Our decisions are the proceeds of the choices we are presented with, these decisions are under our control. We can chose to fight, or to give up. We can choose to be honest or deceive. We can choose to be lazy or to be inspired. We can choose to be kind or cruel.  We can choose to fear or to be courageous. We choose our words and our behavior; we can choose to be a victim or be happy. This is about recognizing that there are choices, and taking ownership of our decisions, the good and the not so good.  

This life is about looking for the truth in all things, it is about examining ourselves deeply. This is about choices and decisions, the hard and the easy. This is about change and growth. This is about seeing things as they are, not as we choose to see them. Because, after all, in the hopes of catching happiness by the tail, perhaps we are merely trying to construct our lives into the ones we wish and hope them to be. And, that is unrealistic, a lie, and impossible. Thus, it is about looking for the truth in the things that come our way, or that we welcome our way and looking for the "good" in them, and the "maybe's" in them.

Life is about looking for the truth, and truly recognizing the lies we tell ourselves that foolishly make us think we are constructing that happy life we want, wish and hope for. The real truth is that we design a happy life by our choices, our words, and our actions.  Happiness, kindness, truth, compassion, they must be a consciously chosen and executed daily ritual, like taking a shower. These things do not come to you because it is a Tuesday morning, they come because of the choice we make to exercise them daily. Our life and thus our happiness, amongst other things, is under our control. We must not default into the lazy path, the one making excuses, that enables us to continue on our present stagnant path. The hard won lessons and self growth do not come easily.

Some days I am strong enough, and clear enough, to choose to look for the "good" in all things, and of course wise enough to watch out for the jaundiced "maybe".  Choosing and executing the high roads every day is not easy; I fail, often, very often. Don't we all ? This is the ultimate, unending lesson and exercise.

And, it takes time to get these lessons down right, but the problem is, we think we have time. Good. Maybe.

-Shawn

*A final thought for the reader,

I write for me, and me alone. However, I share what I write because if there is any possibility that my words can reach just one person with similar woes or thoughts, perhaps it can re-weave more than one tapestry and change more lives exponentially than my own. I write about the things in life that I question, things that vex me, tear at me, twist me, things that bounce around my mind and leave me without peace and clarity.  I choose to write about them when they grow, it is a manner of final confrontation to silence them by finding honest meaning in them. I do this in the great hopes that in my final days my last breath can be a peaceful exhale, and not an anxious final gripping and denying struggle for the things I denied resolving. This fear fuels my existence, for me, this is my process.

As Hunter Thompson was once quoted, "One of the few ways I can almost be certain I'll understand something is by sitting down and writing about it. Because by forcing yourself to write about it and putting it down in words, you can't avoid having to come to grips with it. You might be wrong, but you have to think about it very intensely to write about it. So I use writing as a learning tool. "

A warrior in the garden.

 A student said to his master, "You teach me fighting but you talk about peace. How do you reconcile the two ?:  

The master replied, " It is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war."

Welcome back to Chicago brother, Professor Joao Filipe "Jerry" Oliveira. A legend from Brazil returns home once again, to his Chicago home. It is so great to have you back brother !  

We learn so much from our brothers and sisters. Today, brotherhood was reinforced.  The Lebanese-American scholar Nassim Taleb once wrote, "Love without sacrifice is theft."  Today, I will take the liberty to take that on an equal tangent and say "Brotherhood without loyalty and trust is a crime." 

If you have ever had the privilege to see the movie "Fight Club", and have seen through to its message, you will recognize that fighting is not about winning or losing, rather it is about fighting your inner-self, your inner-ego and personal fears. This is not about triumphing over an opponent, one who is after all a brother or sister,  it is about conquering the fears, demons and inadequacies we feel deep inside of ourselves. 

Thank you for coming back to teach us about "the gentle art", jiu jitsu, and for sharing stories and your life lessons.  It will be great to see you and Prof. Carlos back on the mats together, smiling, teaching, sharing and laughing again. As it should be . . . . family.

Life is full of strange gifts, if you can keep your eyes open wide enough to them.  Come join me my friends . . . . the problem is, you still think you have time.

-Shawn

The Power of the Heart

Looking at life . . . when it comes to matters of the heart, even in the process of having our heart broken there is a sliver of sunshine upon us, a consolation prize that we may have lived a fuller life than those who played it safe.

If one is afraid to stick one's neck way out there, to put it all on the line, life not only eventually turns into a half breath of existence, it begins the path into an empty slow death spiral with a half hearted meaningless whimpering end.  Life actually begins at the edge of our comfort zone. Things will be scary at times, we will question so many parts of us and pieces of our psyche.  Putting one's spirit and soul on the line can be scary when rejection, pain, fear, and judgement are all worthy demons.

But to win big, one has to be willing to lose big. Have no regrets; go to the wall for things and people you believe in, those you trust in.  After all, the only other option is to settle, eventually leaving you screaming and begging for anything painful from the depths of your spirit and soul.  Beg for anything painful you ask ? Yes, beg, so that you can remember what pleasure is, that thing life promises to those who risk it all. Without pain, there is no true sense of pleasure. There is no sweet without the sour.  So, do not run when it hurts or gets scary or difficult, weather the storm, be the last one standing.  One of two things will happen, either the pain continues unrelenting, or you get to experience the bliss of life. 

The heart will make you do things that are atypical for you. It may make you run away or hunker down. It may make you fight to your death, a willingness to "go to the wall and risk losing it all".  The big question is, how far are you willing to go ? Are you willing to go just a little temporarily crazy or insane, or should I say, go to crazy and insane lengths for someone you love or something you believe in ? Most would argue no, that those lengths should never be the sacrifice.  But, there are some that are willing to do so, because that is how they love. If you are willing, that person or mission speaks volumes as to their value to you. And I would argue that this is worth every ounce of blood lost, and every degree of crazy gained to fight for what is worth it to your heart. When it commands you to dare the devil to pack on all the pain he can, you know you have something worthy in front of you.  Stand and fight for these things, until you fall to your knees, with nothing left in you, and then get up one more time.  But fear not of the heart's pain, its ability to endure and heal may also bring you to new heights and depths of understanding of humanity, love, kindness, gratitude and generosity. However, realize there are no guarantees, you may actually lose a part of you in its clutches.  Without these risks, there is no possibility of life's grandest rewards.

So, do not run when it hurts, if you are brave enough.  Weather the storm, look up and welcome the pain of the stinging rain on your face, be the last one standing.  If you can endure when others crumble, one of two things will happen.  Either the pain will continue, and maybe for a lifetime if you are unlucky, or you will get to experience the bliss of life.  But, you may have to risk it all to have that chance. Ironically, even in the process of having our heart broken, and maybe even losing a piece of our sanity, we may have lived a fuller life than those who played it safe, experienced little, or ran when things became too much.

Make no mistake, sometimes our bet goes terribly against us, and we lose, big.  It happens, that is how life goes sometimes. It is the risk we take in going for it all, for putting it all on the line.  Some people can recover from this, some never do and that is tragic. But, again there is a sliver of sunshine, sometimes. When we are one of the very lucky few, we find someone who places just as big a bet on us in return, just as God has done. And that, that is the power of the heart. 

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.  Life might be short, risk it all, push in all your chips when someone or something really matters to you.  After all, the problem is . . .  we think we have time.

-Shawn

"The Power Of The Heart"
(originally by Lou Reed)
 

You and me we always sweat and we strain
you look for sun and I look for rain
we're different people, we're not the same
the power of the sun
I looked for treetops, you looked for caps
above the water, where the waves snap back
I flew around the world to bring you back
ah the power of the heart

you looked at me and I looked at you
the sleeping heart was shining through
the wispy cobwebs that we're breathing through
the power of the heart
I looked at you and you looked at me
I thought of the past, you thought of what could be
I asked you once again to marry me
the power of the heart

Everybody says love makes the world go round
I hear a bubbling and I hear a sound
of my heart beating and I turn around
and find you standing at the door
you know me I like to dream a lot
of this and that and what is not
and finally I figured out what was what
it was the power of the heart

You and me we sweat and strain
the result is always the same
you think somehow we're in a game
the power of the heart
the power of the heart

I think I'm dumb I know you're smart
the beating of a purebred heart
I say this to you and it's not a lark
marry me today
You know me I like to dream a lot
of what there is and what there's not
but mainly I dream of you a lot
the power of the heart
the power of the heart

Fatum: Life's sublime plan ?

"Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."

"Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate, and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Oh no, but rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny." -Dean's speech, From the movie Serendipity:

Did the Greeks have obituaries ?  This movie alleges that the Greeks only asked one question after a man died, "Did he have passion ?"  Whether this was true remains to be proven, but it is a beautiful, simple, way to hold the light up to our lives.  It seems simple, we either live with passion, or we do not. Ultimately, if we look in the mirror, we know whether we are succeeding or failing at this enormous task. We may try to lie to ourselves, but the truth always tugs at our heart, knowing if we are fulfilling our lives passionately or merely just ticking away our days. Make no mistake, in the end, this truth will surface in our last hours. We will either feel deep regret and remorse, or we will breathe peacefully, knowing we did most of what we wanted and needed to do. We will know if we righted our wrongs, climbed our highest personal mountains, and fought passionately for the things in our lives that meant the most to us.  These are the things that will answer the question, "Did we live with passion".

It has been said by many that death is the great equalizer. I do not believe this to be true. What we did in our lives, the principles by which we lived, are what will define us. Though we will all end in the same state after those last brainwaves, not everyone will have ended equally.  It is the principles we held up strongly, the ethics and morals we stood for, the lives we touched and changed and how passionately we loved that will have defined us in the end. Those are the things that live on, that can be reflected on by the living, and possibly impact those lives in turn in a meaningful way.  People will remember how you made them feel, even if it was the smallest of gestures that impacted them profoundly, sometimes for the rest of their lives. That is the stuff that matters.

"Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather it is a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan."

Those little things we all do in our days, those things that might seem meaningless and trivial yet have even the slightest flavor of being of lesser high-character, are part of our life's tapestry and define the trajectory of our lives moving forward. If we are being honest with ourselves, we are occasionally confronted with small, perhaps softly moral-corrupting, choices.  These seemingly trivial choices, things that no one will ever know about, are critical threads of our lives.  What we do in those moments, these threads, the choice to take the low road or the high road, knowing only we will know the details or facts of the moment, these are the things that define us. They carry forward and slowly siliently weave into our fibers of being.These are the weak or strong threads we weave into our personal tapestry that define the moral and ethical trajectory and longevity of our brief existence. After our final breath, we cannot reweave our life's choices, its' integrity and longevity can only be defined by how well we wove it while we were here. How we will be remembered, by those we touched and loved, will be defined by how well we wove the pains, pleasures, kindness, challenges, confrontations, mistakes and of course the other good stuff, during our lives while we were here. 

Fatum, passion, fill your life with them. Weave only the good stuff into your life's tapestry, but equally as important, pull out the weak threads you have left woven into your life, and replace them with the threads you can be proud of, ones that speak more truthfully of who you aspire to, and can, be.  We still have time to reweave the fragile threads we've left that fester in our conscience, they are the same ones we leave festering in the hearts of others. Clean up these things, and then fight passionately for the things you believe in, and never give up, not even for a day. For, in the end, you can have no regrets . . . . after all, the problem is, we think we have time.

- Shawn

A final thought for the reader,

I write for me, and me alone. However, I share what I write because if there is any possibility that my words can reach just one person with similar woes, perhaps it can re-weave more than one tapestry and change more lives exponentially than my own. I write about the things in life that I question, things that vex me, tear at me, twist me, things that bounce around my mind and leave me without peace and clarity.  I choose to write about them when they grow, it is a manner of final confrontation to silence them by finding honest meaning in them. I do this in the great hopes that in my final days my last breath can be a peaceful exhale, and not an anxious final gripping and denying struggle for the things I denied resolving. This fear fuels my life, may it fuel yours as well. 

As Hunter Thompson was once quoted, "One of the few ways I can almost be certain I'll understand something is by sitting down and writing about it. Because by forcing yourself to write about it and putting it down in words, you can't avoid having to come to grips with it. You might be wrong, but you have to think about it very intensely to write about it. So I use writing as a learning tool. "

*All quotes are from the movie, Serendipity. Not a 5star movie in the least, but one that had a few quotes that resonated with me many moons ago, ones I wrote down and tucked away, until it was time to put them to a more formal written piece; a time when I could make more meaning from them. For those who care to see the movie clip, here is the link:  http://youtu.be/hkXumOkoFSI

The Blood of Eden

"I caught sight of my reflection
I caught it in the window
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
And the darkness still has work to do
The knotted chord's untying
They're heated and they're holy
Oh they're sitting there on high
So secure with everything they're buying"    -Peter Gabriel

Pain and pleasure. Love and indifference. These are the deepest and most revealing dualities of life.

The song the Blood of Eden is clearly about loss, and most certainly some of the greatest depths of pain one can experience. It is suspect that it is about a failed union between a man and a woman, in this case between Gabriel and his then wife.  The decades old song is a painful journey from the highs of love's tenderness to its barbed dungeons of despair.  However, it seems ultimately more about the coping of the tremendous pain, the self assessment, and inward depths one must go through to look to the deepest levels of one's soul. For it is only there, at the interface with the soul, that one might make positive meaning from such tremendous pain that loss brings us, whatever its form. The truth is, pain must be faced and embraced, or it will fester and eat us alive as our life marches onward.  Pain is both the knife that cuts us from the shadows, and in time, the healer of our soul, for within the pain are the lessons which only time can deliver.  The only way to survive pain's bloodletting is to swim in its salty waters, fully accepting its sting in our vulnerable gaping wounds.  For the patient and enduring, forgiveness and understanding are the sweet nectars that can eventually flow from the wicked knotted roots of pain, if we dance with it long enough.  We must all face pain, it must not be turned away, though it seems easier to run from it. Failure or avoidance to look at pain's lessons, to get fully wrapped up in its suffocating choke, is a guarantee to avoid growth and to never fully emerge whole again to see the light of love and happiness. 

To me, this is one of the most beautiful musical pieces ever composed, to both the ears and mind. It is a reminder of the pains of life, and of the painful work we must embrace if we are to fully understand the messages of our life's journey.  Make no mistake, we will not get out of this life unscared, but it is how we dance with these pains and wounds that define us, and our days ahead.

"My grip is surely slipping
I think I've lost my hold
Yes I think I've lost my hold
I cannot get insurance any more
They don't take credit, only gold
Is that a dagger or a crucifix I see
You hold so tightly in your hand
And all the while the distance grows between you and me
I do not understand"        - Peter Gabriel

-Shawn

The Meaning. The Invitation.

"I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

-Stephen Grellet, 1773-1855 Quaker Minister (William Penn?)

Make no mistake, you will face the wretched anxiety one day. It would behoove you to be ready.

Since 1993, after another prolonged period of forced painful clarity that very year, I have seen life differently. If we are lucky, we get, and survive, our moment(s) of clarity. These moments are often so painful that one must look them in the eye, and ask what our purpose must be during our time.  Hopefully, one's answer is "to make a difference". And the truth is, we all have a chance to make a difference, but it is going to ask something greater of ourselves than we may wish to give. Give it anyways, time is running short, for as I love to say, the problem is we think we have time. 

I lost some good friends far too early in life, one to an over indulgence, another (and his brother) on June 23, 1985 as a bomb tore though their Flight 182 Air India Boeing 747 over Ireland airspace, and another to a ruptured vessel in his brain during a night's rest. The pain just kept coming at me, I did not talk about how these events tore through my soul and spirit, I rarely do. I did not confront death well, I ran, I closed up. I was then, and am now, still too emotional a man. You see, the problem is you think you have time.  But the fact of the matter is, to this point, you are just lucky.

These fellas still stick with me, they haunt me actually, in the best of ways.  The mere fact that their lives were snuffed out far before they were able to give back to this world makes me want to do more every day.  Pain leaves a mark.  It was just a few days after my 18th birthday -- I still remember being in the process of making a salami sandwich in my mom's kitchen when the radio over my shoulder announced the downing of Flight 182 over the Atlantic. Just the night before the amigos had gathered together to wish them bon voyage as they set off to discover their family history in India.  Life changes in a moment -- even during the making of a salami sandwich on a perfect summer day, life can change in a moment and gut you forever.

But, I have learned. I have learned that some pain leaves marks, and that the pain and scars are ones you want to stick around. Having them ache once in awhile reminds you to press on, to make the most of your life and the lives of others, and of course to remember them.  However, one is a fool if one does not look at the end story, and embrace the fact that at some point, our own existence will also end.  Accepting that you will not pass this way again, that you will only pass through this world but once, should encourage you to do any good deeds or show any kindnesses now before it is too late. Leave some good things behind for those that follow.

As Stephen Jenkinson says in this gutting video, do not wait for the end of your life to find meaning. The truth and meaning is all around you every day, trust me. There is nothing to find, it is not hidden, it is made by the will to proceed. "Nothing you hold dear will last. Life does not feed life, life is on the receiving end of life, it is death that feeds life." 

Make peace in your life, and you will not have to find it in your final breaths, it will be gloriously there with you.

Rest in Peace, Deven, Rahul, Blair, Peter . . . my brothers.

- Shawn

One day

"One day you will be just a memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one."

When I first wrote this piece, I included an absolutely stunning photo of an elderly couple. I realized this was copywrited property of a brilliant artist, Abraham Menashe: . I removed the copywrite photo out of respect to honor the hard work of an artist. Out of integrity I wish to send you to his gorgeous website so you can see his work and consider being a procurer of his stunning work. Click the link provided on his name. LINK

What are you leaving behind ? I do not mean what money, cars, family jewels or businesses are you leaving behind for people to inherit,  I mean the important stuff, the stuff that matters, the good stuff. The kindness you showed, the lessons you imparted, the memories you fostered, the time you dedicated, the love you shared and showed.  Those are the things that matter, those are the things that transcend time, these are the things you must leave behind. Do not be a transient whisper in death, live with a roar. Those are the things you must leave behind, and if you leave them, you defy death, you will live in eternity.   Someone once quoted that you will die twice, once when you stop breathing, and a second time when someone mentions your name for the last time, your name never to be uttered again in eternity.  Do not be forgotten, live boldly, leave such deep beautiful scars upon the people of this earth that your name and your memory can never die.  Leave so many of the truly good things that your message, your purpose and your love will span the ages and never die.  Do it for your friends, your loved ones, your children, and those lives you have touched, and if you are lucky, even the ones you never met.

Get busy, because, make no mistake, the problem is you think you have time.

"One day you will be just a memory for some people. Do your best to be a good one."

-Shawn

The Boys of Summer

Out on the road today, I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back"
I thought I knew what love was
What did I know?
Those days are gone forever
I should just let them go but-

I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin' in the sun
You got that top pulled down and that radio on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone

- lyrics by Don Henley, Boys of Summer, 1984

Yesterday is not real, it is a memory, it was only real yesterday. Tomorrow is not real, it is a projected dream. The only thing that is real is right now, this very moment, the present.  And thus, this is the only moment you can make a change, today, right now. You cannot make tomorrow's changes.

You can look back and learn about your mistakes and reminisce about some good days but, you have to keep moving forward. There are good days on the horizon as well.  You are not the person you were yesterday. If you have consciously reflected you should have seen some failures and some successes towards the person you want to be, and the person you do not want to be. If you have spent a moment to do the work, you should be a better person today.  Do not beat yourself up over yesterday's or last years mistakes. They will not matter if you have "done the work". Those choices in the past were a reflection of your present moment experiences and wisdom. Today, you should be a better person. If you are still making those dumb choices today, you are not "doing the work"  you need to do. It is like steering off the road every day and hitting the same mail box day after day. You wouldn't do that to your car would you ? Would you do that to your partner ? your kids ? your parents ? Your life ? It wouldn't make sense in any respect to keep repeating the mistakes of your ways. The same tests and lessons keeps showing up because our choices remain the same -- hence the definition of insanity, thanks Albert (Einstein).

Pay attention. Steer straight when that mailbox is coming up on the horizon, when that interaction with your spouse is pending, when your kids do stupid stuff over and over.  Pay harder attention, focus on steering straight. Execute. You'll have stepped forward in your life when you can see that mailbox still standing in your rearview mirror. And, you should smile when you see it standing, because at that very moment you will have become a better person and tomorrow you can set your sights on the next mailbox down the road.  Damn mailboxes-- too many mailboxes. In time, with a little work, you won't have to look back to see the mailbox still standing there, you will know it intuitively and instinctively, through better decisions come better outcomes.

I have always loved the Don Henley song "The Boys of Summer". It reminds me of my younger years when things were easier and seemingly, yet not truthfully, required less responsibility. You could carve your way through a ditch and  hit a mailbox and just keep driving, not a moral code to check your gut, unless your moral fabric was woven tight early on in life.  Was anybody looking ? Did anyone see me hit that mailbox ? Should I turn back around  or just keep driving?  We all have to grow up at some point, unfortunately, and though we can look back, we can never go back. The only thing that is real is right now, this very moment, the present.  And thus, this is the only moment you can make a change, today, right now -- to continue to more tightly weave our moral code and fabric.  You cannot yet make tomorrow's changes, not until tomorrow, so do the work today and then don't look back. You can never look back.

Out on the road today, I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac
A little voice inside my head said, "Don't look back. You can never look back"

- Shawn

South Loop Cross Fit Podcast with guest Dr Shawn Allen

As promised. Here is an interview I gave on the Chicago South Loop CrossFit podcast.
Thanks to Todd Nief for a fun interview hour. Always love talking to this smart fella.

Podcast link: http://southloopsc.com/articles/dr-shawn-allen-interview

taken from Todd's Southloop Strength and Conditioning Crossfit site:
Anyone who has ever been to a physical therapist has inevitably been told that they have “weak glutes” and been given Jane Fondas or some other form of band exercise.

Does every human being actually have weak glutes? Is the contractile potential of the muscle limited? Do glutes really not “fire correctly”? Can we actually come up with biomechanical explanations for all of the injuries and issues that we find in athletes?

Dr. Shawn Allen is one half of The Gait Guys along with Dr. Ivo Waerlop – a duo renowned for their information dense podcasts and blog posts in which they dissect the latest research articles in rehab, injuries, nervous system development, and strength training.

Dr. Allen practices not too far from my parents’ house in the suburbs of Chicago, so I made the trek out to see him for some chronic groin issues I’d had from playing soccer. And, it turns out I had some glute issues myself.

However, it’s not as simple as simply contracting the offending muscle group over and over and over again. The pattern in which dysfunction is present must be identified, and then a new pattern must be learned to replace the dysfunctional pattern – which is a higher order way of approaching injuries and movement issues.

Dr. Allen and I have had several interesting conversations about injury mechanisms, the nervous system’s control of movement, and best practices in rehab and training, so we decided to record one of them here.

http://southloopsc.com/articles/dr-shawn-allen-interview

Instinctive things

We do instinctive things to feel better.

We do them every day without realizing them, they have become written in our DNA it seems, so deep that we do not even realize the program is running. 

It's an oddly blustery day, the clouds are heavy, the wind is piercing, the temperature has dropped 15 degrees in the last 10 minutes and you still have a mile to walk to get to your meeting. You instinctively zip up your jacket, prop up its collar, plunge your hands into your pockets, raise your shoulders and sink your head and core into the body of your warm coat.  This is an instinctive program we have learned, it makes us feel better in the moment.

We do instinctive things to feel better. We pull up the sheets on a cold winter night, we reach for another piece of chocolate or another potato chip.  But, what about doing instinctive things to BECOME better ? When was the last time you walked away from a conversation and gut checked yourself ? What I mean is, you leave that conversation and right in that moment, check on yourself. Did I not listen as well as I should have ? Did I cut them off in their talking too many times, trying to force my thoughts into the conversation instead of letting them fully express themselves, waiting for that appropriate pause when it was my turn to talk ? Was I edgy and a little rude to them because I was still upset that someone entirely foreign to this conversation earlier  in the day "pee'd in my Cherrios" and got my day off on the wrong foot.  Did this person I just conversed with deserve that "piss and vinegar" side of me ?  Should I have better recognized that they just deserved to be heard, and maybe just needed to be heard, and not needed my advice or thoughts at all ?  Gee-wiz, I should have been more in tune with them instead of worrying about the clock and my next appointment and my "2 cents worth".  Gosh, I never even asked them about their sick mother. 

We do instinctive things to FEEL better but we sometimes, perhaps too often, do not do instinctive things to BECOME better. Leaving the conversation with any of those thoughts above should force a learning opportunity to occur, and from that, when repeatedly and attentively done, will lead to behavioral changes. Better changes. Change is good, but change does not occur unless we are paying attention and trying to force growth in ourselves.  We must force ourselves to look AT ourselves, we must force new habits and routines or change does not occur.  Our parents tried to teach us these things by saying things like, "hey, that wasn't a nice thing to say to your brother !"  That comment is much the same thing, and it is directed as trying to cause the same realization, but it just is not the same thing as if we were to create this "instinctive way to BECOME better" after each blemished encounter on our own.  Do not lie to yourself,  you know when you sucked and let someone down, own it.

On a cold brisk day, we realize first subconsciously and then consciously, the discomfort of the cold and we zip up our jacket,  lift the collar to break the wind, stuff our hands into our pockets, and nuzzle our core into our coat. It feels better.  The next time we feel the post shiver of a human interaction, that thing that makes us instinctively feel badly about a part of the interaction, we should do the same things to feel better, and BECOME better. Maybe each time we leave a conversation, ask we should ask ourself "how did i do?".  How could I improve on that for the next time. Take the right actions and set in place good behaviors that foster future intuitive positive changes. In time those personal changes should BECOME as instinctive as zipping up our coat. 

Because, if we are not working at BECOMING better today, we are no better than yesterday.

-Shawn

of Water, Rocks, and Seeping Time

Simple things are powerful.

Water is far more powerful than the rock. Water can easily slip into the cracks in rock, silently waiting, executing patience to do it's work.
It takes waiting for winter, for the water to freeze into ice , to expand and put such immense pressures inside the tiny cracks to split the rock.
Never underestimate the power of your simple strengths, of small seemingly frivolous gestures, and the necessary patience to wait for the right time for them to expand and exert their growing pressures to create change.
The smallest and simplest of things -- kindness, gratitude, sharing one's precious time, and love can change lives.  Do not underestimate what the simplest of things you share, like water seeping into a crack, can do when they seep into someones life to create paramount change.

Everything that has meaning and value takes time Every avalanche starts with one snowflake, just be patient, give it time. Find the rocks in your life, someone's life, a troubled child, an angry man, a destitute soul, or even the cracks in your own life   . . . . and be like water.  Seep into the cracks, slowly, purposefully, with great intention.  And then wait, patiently, for the season to change.

Seep into some cracks today, it is worth it, after all, the problem is, we think we have time.

- Shawn

What's your weapon of change ? Are you dreaming, thinking, wishing ? Or are you executing ? Nothing is real until you make it real.  Get busy.

Dave's Pig

It's alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate, moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep.

Those well chosen words have nothing to do with a pig, or Dave, or even bacon for that matter. Although those words are not mine, taken in full context, they may in fact likely refer to the thing, that inner "joie de vivre" -- that feeling when you are 5 years old which vaults you gleefully out of bed on the first snow day off school. An "exuberant enjoyment of life" is perhaps what those words refer to.  As an adult, these words seem to speak far deeper and are more revealing to the point of our journey.

I live each day with a hint of disquietude and angst brought on by the truth that, "the problem is, we think we have time."  Without fail, I make sure I examine my every day at some point and ask whether I am burning the day away, knowing I can never wind back the day.  The sand in the hourglass never lies. The bottom of the hourglass signifies the past, the memories of days gone by, but the top of the hour glass is hidden, slowly emptying with never an honest clue as to how much is left. This is my life, your life, the masked upper half of the hourglass. At this point in my life, my internal dialogue keeps me pretty honest, my angst to make the most of my sand prods me along insisting I can do more, that I should do more, that I should contribute more.   

"Isn't it strange how we move our lives for another day, like skipping a beat?  There is much more than we see here, don't burn the day away. Oh then complain and pray more from above, greedy little pig, stop just watch your world trickle away, it'll all be dead and gone in a few short years. Wash out this tired notion that the best is yet to come. But, while you're dancing on the ground, don't think of when you're gone."  -D.Matthews

These are lyrics of the talented musician Dave Matthews. I have always loved this man's music, his music has been a staple in my life for 20 years. His music often presents a course correcting compass for me, a result of a challenging time in my life in which I was first introduced to his art. His music and poetry is not for everyone, I will give you yours, give me mine.  I dare you find a song that hits things squarely on the cranium more beautifully and with more North Star guiding purpose than Dave's "Pig".  

Live your days by his lyrics here, and you will be promised a life of fulfillment and no regrets. If you heed his message here, you will not find yourself in the winter of your life "praying for more from above, you greedy little pig".

You will meet them all in one song -- love, longing, retrospection, introspection, sorrow, regret, optimism, observation, celebration and more.  It fits my driving mantra, "the problem is, we think we have time".  Here Dave just likes to take a more blunt approach to his message here, smacking you across the face with it as if using a rotting 4 day old lake trout with a stench one just cannot ignore,

"Shake up your bones shake up your feet, I'm saying open up and let the rain come flooding in. Wash out this tired notion that the best is yet to come. Time is short but that's all right, maybe I'll go in the middle of the night. Take your hands from your eyes, my love, everything must end some time. Don't burn the day away." -D.Matthews

Take Dave's trout across the kisser, or maybe even Shawshank's poignant "get busy living or get busy dying" mantra, don't burn the day away. 

Regardless of how you slice it, the problem is, you mistakenly think you have time.  However, tomorrow has to be someone's last day, and if it is yours, make sure you face it with peace,  "take your hands from your eyes my love, everything must end some time".  Just make sure you didn't burn too many days away and let too much sand aimlessly pass you buy.  After all, maybe you'll not even make it to tomorrow, maybe you will go in the middle of the night, so don't burn today away.

- Shawn

PIG, lyrics by Dave Matthews

Isn't it strange
How we move our lives for another day
Like skipping a beat
What if a great wave should wash us all away
Just thinking out loud
Don't mean to dwell on this dying thing
But look at my blood
It's alive right now
Deep and sweet within
Pouring through our veins
Intoxicate moving wine to tears
Drinking it deep
Then an evening spent dancing
It's you and me
This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see a glow of something bright
There's much more than we see here
Don't burn the day away
Is this not enough
This blessed sip of life
Is it not enough
Staring down at the ground
Oh then complain and pray more from above
Greedy little pig
Stop just watch your world trickle away
Oh it's your problem now
It'll all be dead and gone in a few short years
Just love will open our eyes
Just love will put the hope in our minds
Much more than we could ever know
Don't burn the day away
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I'm saying open up
And let the rain come pouring in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it
Don't burn the day away
Look
Here are we
On this starry night staring into space
And I must say
I feel as small as dust
Lying down here
What point could there be troubling
Head down wondering what will become of me
Why concern we cannot see
But no reason to abandon it
Time is short but that's all right
Maybe I'll go in the middle of the night
Take your hands from your eyes, my love
Everything must end some time
Don't burn the day away
Come sister my brother
Shake up your bones shake up your feet
I'm saying open up
And let the rain come flooding in
Wash out this tired notion
That the best is yet to come
But while you're dancing on the ground
Don't think of when you're gone
Love love what more is there
We need the light of love in here
Don't beat your head
Dry your eyes
Let the love in there
There are bad times
But that's ok
Just look for love in it